


Technoblade is not ok.

by lambsoda



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Projection, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, this is just me projecting onto mc men sorry, trigger warning, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27444067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lambsoda/pseuds/lambsoda
Summary: Technoblade has 3 rules.1. Dont cry in front of others,2. Dont make others worried.3. Dont show your arms.Whether its causing him trouble, he keeps it to himself.Until he cant anymore.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 639





	Technoblade is not ok.

**Author's Note:**

> HUGE TW !!
> 
> Includes explicit depictions of self harm and a suicide attempt!! pls dont read if thats triggering :(

“Hey siri, Call Phil.”  
Calling Dad...

The phone rang once. Pick up.  
he answers. Give him no time to speak.

“H-hey Phil. Um, sorry. I dont know why I called. Well, actually. I just um, I wanted to, uh. Tell you that Its, not your fault. I know you, tommy and wilbur are uhh, pretty far so, um. Dont bother trying to save me. I already wrote notes, um. But still make sure you give the boys extra, uh,.. love. Anyway, love you, .. Love you so much. Erm, goodbye.”

Techno sat on cold tiles, alone in the bathroom floor. He had already written several notes, some balled and thrown in the bin, others ripped, while three ones directed towards his family, remained neat. He tried to keep his emotions in tact, usually it was relatively easy. 

That is until he saw, the blade. 

Everything in him always broke when he saw his razor, he didn’t know why. Maybe because it was the fact that he kept it from anyone else, maybe it was because he was struggling, maybe because he refused to recognize the fact that it was an addiction. 

Truth is, when he first attempted to harm himself, he swore that would be the only time. That swear turned into a second time, then third, and now that third left him sat here, countless times reenacting the same as before. Techno didnt know why he continued, it was hard to acknowledge if it even helped. The adrenaline rush that coursed through his veins was gone, the numbess overtook the pleasure that his razor used to radiate. He didnt mind it, though, maybe he deserved it.

As he sat, he eyed his medication on the countertop of the bathroom’s sink. He hesitated, but it seemed as if his body moved instinctively to grab it. He stared at it, before popping off the lid and taking whateber fell into his hands.

Twiddling with the metal in between his fingers, he sighed and what felt like subconsciously, alined the blade on his forearm. Swiping quickly, he inhaled sharply, slighlty pausing he proceeded. Typically, it would only be small cuts that dotted after a few seconds, however this time it was different. Several red angry slashes that pooled rather quickly began to fill his arm. It reminded him of some sort of, morbid, rage induced abstract art. Letting out a shaky sigh, it didnt seem his razor was doing much work.

He got on all fours, ignoring the beads of blood that slipped down his arms, and began rummaging through the sink’s cabinets. After a few seconds, he found as he pleased.

A first aid kit. 

He scrambled to open the slightly sealed box, rummaging through the anti-septic and bandages -

“Aha! there it is” Techno exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm. Pulling out a medical scalpel, he scurried back into the corner and placed his back up against the wall. Techno raised his arm, ignoring the seering pains and burns from his cuts and placed a finger on the blade; He received a small bead of blood in little to no time. Letting out a sadistic and humorousless chuckle, he outstretched his other scarred arm. Techno repeated the same motions as before, only receving much deeper slashes. 

Instead of just welling up, blood pooled at the spot and dripped, harshly staining the white tiles below him. He smiled sadly at the sight, but also admired it as his morbid canvas. 

He attempted to quickly finish up the routine as his medication began to kick in. It was going to plan, that is until he eyed his wrist.

Techno heard horror stories and warning about cutting the actual wrist, thus causing him to avoid the area. But now, what was stopping him? He was killing himself anyway, might as well go out with a bang. 

Hesitating at first, he placed the scalpel on his wrist, paused, and then quickly swiped a vertical gash. Pain rushed through his veins, and quite literally. Blood poured from the wound and Techno instinctively grasped onto his wrist. The sadistic sound of blood splashing onto the cold tile and onto his feet echoed through his ears.

He was in panic mode. 

You always think you want to die until you come face to face with fate, then your adrenaline kicks it. You start to think of all the things youre leaving behind, mind flooding with regret. 

The boy fell in the corner of the bathroom, losing energy he sprawled on the floor. The pain minimized as he felt himself dozing off.

Techno stopped struggling, he accepted what he caused. As he drifted off, a twinge of euphoria rushed through him and a soft smile escaped onto his lips. It stayed. 

It stayed when the very faint sounds of screams invaded the heart-wrenching silence.

It stayed when he felt gentle hands shaking him. 

It stayed when he felt grasping onto his chest and pulling him away from his own crime scene. 

It stayed until he couldn’t feel it anymore.

He thought he knew what numb felt like during his time on earth, but it was nothing like the experience he was having now. It was over, he was finally at peace.

Until there was a bright flash. Huh?  
Maybe there was an afterlife after all.

Faint noises echoed through his mind.

Oh, no afterlife.

Techno squinted his eyes, before fully opening them. It was all white. 

Sitting up, he brought his arm up to his forehead only to reveal wires attached to his wrist. Oh. He was in a hospital.

He forced himself to recognize his surroundings, there they were. Wilbur, Tommy, and, dad. Techno felt his tears well instantly, almost simultaneously he also felt arms softly grip around him.

He was alive.

He wasnt sure if he was satisfied with this outcome, but that didnt stop a smile from plastering on his face. 

Not a sadistic one, not a sad one, but a genuine smile. 

As he became more aware, he looked up to see Phil. Not knowing where the others went, he opened his mouth to speak but was quickly interrupted. 

“What were you thinking! You - couldve, you couldve died techno!” Phil choked on his words. He seemingly paused to recollect himself, but continued anyway. “I, oh my god. That was- why didnt you tell me?” 

Truthfully, techno didnt know how to respond. He could have brought up his three rules but opposed against it. Instead, he chose to sit in silence. Phil felt like a terrible father, typically warning signs in mental health were very apparent to him. But, maybe Techno was different. He was always a monotone kid, kept to himself, so he never really thought anything of it. 

Thats a mistake he’ll never make again.

2 Weeks later.

He wakes up , dreading the day again. Techno just got discharged from the hospital, afterwards he is overcome with nothing but guilt. He cant face any of his family and sits  
quietly in his room, heavily monitored.

Stretching, he climbs out of bed and sorrowfully opens his door. Walking down the hallway, he passes the bathroom. It feels as its wide open visual is a mocking to him for the damage hes caused. Except this time, the room isnt a blood bath. Letting out a shaky sigh, he approaches the stairs. Raising his arm , he rubs his fingers on the railing and taking in any intricate design that are engraved on the rails. As he approaches the bottom of the stairs, he sees his family all huddled in the living room. 

He furrows his eyebrows, wanting to immediately retract back up to his room. In fact, he was almost about to do it until his thoughts were cut short by Tommy calling his name.

“Hey techno! Wanna watch a movie with us?” Techno paused, staring at the younget boy. He glanced back up towards Phil and Wilbur who were smiling at him. He thought, slowly nodding as he approached the couch. A spot, with his favorite blanket and snacks, left for him. That was Techno’s first time to realized, he was loved. 

He felt loved.

He scurried into the seat and waited for the movie to play, it felt, normal. No uncomfortable tension, no pity, just normal.

Actually, it was happy.

He felt happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Hihi, this is all a huge vent so sorry if its messy :/!! i didnt really see if there were any mistakes so if there are im sorry :( Its super lazy,,, i just wasnt feelin the best but didnt wanna relapse so here we are !  
> i may delete this sometime later but enjoy the angst for now.
> 
> I hope you all are doin ok ^^


End file.
